I've been on somewhat of a hiatus. Lotsa stuff goin on lately, more than the usual kids, work, life, etc. And it's caused so much of a distraction from my writing, that I haven't been able to just sit still and write. And it's all been building up. So it's time....
On December 14, 2015, my dad passed away. And it's pretty ironic that the last post I made was about dying to live and living to die. My dad was 73 and had a long list of ailments, and I know in my heart that this was his predestined time to make his exit. The last year and a half was one of adjustments and adapting when he had a major stroke that he never quite recouped from. And I learned as time went on that he was never going to be quite the same. I was learning to approach my dad as I would a 5 year old, with gentleness and compassion. Constantly reassuring him that everything would be ok, and that it's not his fault, and most importantly, that I love him.
My dad has been my dad since I was 2. He's the only man I knew as "dad". And I was his daughter, just like his other kids. Growing up with him as a child was much different than growing up with him as a teenager, or an adult. He was an alcoholic when I was younger, but he was fun. He wasn't the mean drunk dad you see on TV, he was the laid back dad who kept us on a loooooooong leash. Then, I was molested by someone in the family. And that changed our relationship for the rest of my life. I looked to him as dad for some advise on what to do? But it was around that time that him and my mom split up. It didn't really dawn on me what that meant, but I knew he wasn't around. It was ok though, because me and my mom were super close. Then some time later, he came back around, and I thought I'd be ok with it, cause he was a fun dad. But shortly after, I realized that he was different, VERY different. All of the sudden, we had to go to church, we had to pray, we couldn't watch movies past rated G, he stopped drinking, I couldn't be on the phone with boys (because I was a teenager at that time), I could barely go to any dances, etc. It was rough. This was a hard time for us, to the point that he was no longer my dad, he was my stepdad. And then, when I was in my mid twenties, he had a major heart attack. I realized that I loved him, and that I'd be crushed if he died. And it was then, that I forgave him for anything he'd ever said or done. I forgave him for not asking how my day was at school. I forgave him for emotionally neglecting me. I forgave him for leaving one day as one person, and coming back later as a different person. I forgave him because in order for me to ever move forward in life, I'd have to.
As the years went on, I genuinely appreciated him more and more. I grew to honestly love him because I was spiritually making some adjustments myself. It was an awesome experience.
And even when I talked to him the night before he passed, I spoke to him as I would the 5 year old, with gentleness and compassion, as I told him that he had to take a bath, and eat dinner before he went to sleep, and that I loved him.
The adjustment hasn't been so bad, because of who I am now. I know he's good where he's at, and as cliche as it may sound, we'll be together again soon. So this isn't goodbye, it's see you later.
*** As a closing, I appreciate whoever this reaches, because I've finally let this go. And even if it only reached one person, I'm thankful for whoever you are. ***
RIP Kenny Alexander.... <3